HGTV can suck it: part I

the majority of our free time in the months leading up to move-in day was spent doing a mini-rehab job on J's condo.  the previous tenant was an octogenarian with an apparent penchant for smoking, horribly staining the carpet with unknown fluids, smoking, not cleaning the bathroom, smoking, sex toys (more on that later) and of course, MORE SMOKING.

seriously, folks.  the walls in this place... felt kind of like being INSIDE a cigarette filter.  a nasty yellow tobacco sheen covered everything from the carpet to ceiling, closet doors to tile grout.  we probably have lung cancer from breathing the remnant carcinogens soaked into the walls.

bedroom closet doors.  let's call the left "before" and the right "after".  there are approximately 12 of these type doors in our condo; i used THREE containers of clorox cleaning wipes and a steam cleaner to remove the nico-funk.  they still aren't as white as i'd like (insert your own racist joke there).

living room ceiling.  we used the ever-nauseating TSP cleaner to remove the sticky tobacco mess.  we cleaned all the hard surfaces, from walls to ceilings before priming.  this amazingly engaging task took two of us about 5 weekend days to finish.  also, check out the disgusting vent cover AND super-modern curtain track that took the strength of many men (or a hammer and furious boyfriend) to take down.


after our adventure with weeks of TSP cleaner (trisodium phosphate for you chemistry buffs), buckets, mops and body contortion to clean all those impossible places, it was time to prime and paint (oooh, ahh).  HGTV, or "renovation porn" as i have realized it is, makes painting look like a bowl of sunshine and sparkles.  friends... it is not.  it sucks.  the colors never look like you want, you drip shit everywhere, you ruin countless items of clothing, and if you are e & j... everything that could go wrong, does go wrong.  we fools primed twice and painted twice.  had to get color re-mixed.  bought way more paint that we ever needed.  ran out of tape on three occasions.  bought cheap rollers and after the first coat, realized why they were so cheap.  why?  because our walls looked like they were made of cotton.  i don't know of any painting style that encourages you to have fuzzy walls, but if there was, we for sure were experts!

we were able to enlist the help/pity of my dear friend, ee, for one saturday.  she was super helpful and amazing and... never returned, rightfully so.  SUCKER!  but, she did bring some comic relief and twinkie cake.  cake makes everything better (until you drop it on the floor).

i'll end this chapter with the day that J spilled paint ALL OVER the bed, carpet and dresser.  folks, it was everywhere.  probably a good gallon of behr premium, lazily dripping down the mattress and furniture, soaking into the carpet.  this led to J having a blowup like i have never seen.  still gives me nightmares.  i thought he was going to have a stroke.  in fact, it has been widely reported that his reaction to spilled paint in march caused the recent earthquakes in asia.  butterfly effect and all that, you know.

the end of the rehab saga will be next.  did the paint stick to the walls?  is the bathroom grout ever going to be white again?  is it possible to hang curtain rods from a metal ceiling?  oh yes folks... it's that exciting.